My Screen Time is Up 18% and It’s Leslie Jordan’s Fault
I got a notification on my phone telling me my screen time was up 18% this week for an average of 8 hours, 15 minutes a day and it’s all Leslie Jordan’s fault.
You know Leslie Jordan, the character actor, from Will and Grace? The short guy, really short, we’re talking armpit level even in high-heeled cowboy boots, who speaks with a Tennessee twang. You might remember him in the movie The Help. He plays the newspaper editor who hires Emma Stone’s character to write a weekly housekeeping column. He keeps yelling at his staff to “shut the damn door” to keep out the second-hand cigarette smoke, which he believes will kill us all. I started following Leslie Jordan on Instagram at the beginning of the pandemic where he posts daily videos to us hunker-downers, and honestly, there were times when if I didn’t have Leslie Jordan, I’d have crawled into a corner to eat my hair.
This week Leslie Jordan was on a particularly good roll. In one video post he talks about Dolly Parton, who he follows on Instagram (I do too now, by the way). Dolly apparently got a bit of her own medicine this week. She got the COVID vaccine, the one she donated $1 million dollars to help fund. (I heart Dolly.) So, in his post, Leslie Jordan sings his version of Dolly’s hit tune, Jolene. I’ll give you a minute to hum that tune in your head, where I’m sorry to say it’s gonna stick like a wad of Bubbaliscious bubble gum will to the bottom of your tennis shoe. And now, sing Leslie Jordan’s version in 3, 2, 1…”Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine/stick me in the arm or in the ass. Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine/no thank you Covid, I’m gonna take a pass.” Love it, Leslie. I watched that post at least five times and shared it with several friends, who I knew had gotten the vaccine this week. They most likely have jumped down the Insta-rabbit hole to follow Leslie Jordan now too. It’s how the Instagram world works.
Pasta Grannies could also be at fault. Have you seen Pasta Grannies on Instagram? Little old ladies, we’re talking minimum age 80 but most of them look more like 115, who live in Italy and make handmade pasta. They’re adorable and I can’t stop watching their ancient gnarled hands roll dough to make gnocchi and cappelletti and ravioli. Between Leslie Jordan and Pasta Grannies, I’ve got myself a horse race.
Another reason for my outstandingly large screen time number could be Furbo. Furbo is my electronic babysitter for my dog Poppy. I had to reactivate it this week since I went work. (Yes, I got my second vaccine too!) With Furbo I can watch Poppy through an app on my phone. It alerts me when he’s active, which being that he’s 14 years old, means he may lift his head off the couch occasionally to look around the room. But still, I check the app often to make sure old Pops is doing okay. It even let’s me toss him a treat. I didn’t think it was that much of a time suck, but maybe I shouldn’t check it 15 thousand times a day.
Actually, 8-plus hours of screen time daily is quite embarrassing. I seriously need to put my phone, aka my crack pipe, aside. Turn off the toxic flow. Get some fresh air. Go for a hike. Join smartphone addiction anonymous. And many more reasons which will come to me I’m sure if you’ll just give me a second, while I “like” Reese Witherspoon’s Instagram post on Nashville’s famous hot fried chicken.
